The Continued True Tales of the Beverage Dictator...

[msfledermaus]

One of the perks of working on Mondays is that it's the Beverage Dictator's day off. In theory, you can make an entire pot of coffee without the Beverage Dictator having a hissy-fit. Occasionally he'll come in on his day off, glowering and fuming and concocting a pot of crazy for all to enjoy, but today wasn't one of those days...

Today I was having lunch with one of the control guys. He asked me if I'd seen the new note on the fridge in the facilities office. I hadn't, so we went on a field trip to their office. Sure enough, taped inside the fridge was, "To the scofflaw raiding our food! Cease and desist or there will be repercussions! This means YOU!"

For the longest time, the Beverage Dictator has had a bad habit of stealing other guard lunches, usually in a fairly gross and horrible fashion. Usually my lunches are safe--he doesn't like raw vegetables or anything too spicy, and I usually have both in my lunch. But if you had something appealing like spaghetti from home or leftover pizza, it's wise to disguise it well, or you'll find half the bowl gone or the toppings ripped off your slice. This behavior tends to fluctuate, and with the economy going from bad to worse, it's escalated--he's now desperate enough to raid other departments...

"Did you hear the latest?" The Control guy asked. "Someone brought in a jar of peanut butter to go with his lunch, and he was eating out of the jar with a spoon. The Beverage Dictator got really mad at him and yelled, "Now nobody ELSE can eat out of that jar!" It cracked up the entire breakroom, apparently...

Ew. Ew ew ew. Ew ew ewwwwww...

Comments

[magicwoman.livejournal.com]

Now that last bit is just gross...he probably wouldn't like my lunches either.

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

I'm still going "ew" in my head....Ew... Ewwwwwwww...

[mcohenmn.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the laugh!

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

We all needed it, no?

[scentedwoods.livejournal.com]

Must. Lick. Everything.

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

Heeheehee!

I want to coat myself in sanitizer now!!! Arrrgh!

[thedarkages]

Time for a honeypot!

Mix up a batch of spaghetti and season it with some tomato paste mixed with Sriracha hot sauce. Place in work refrigerator. Wait for the Dictator to start shoveling it down his throat, only to be mightily surprised...

[riotdorrrk.livejournal.com]

ohhh yes

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

Scary Roberto works with me, and he has already placed the Death Burrito in the fridge. The dictator didn't go for it, though. Time for Spaghetti Of Total Pain!!

[roadskoller.livejournal.com]

Now that's funny.
Once we had this guy who really really liked those little chocolate covered donuts and would bring in a samll ctn. for a snack almost everyday.
He got so mad that people were stealing them, that he put a note on the fridge that said:

"you'll notice the donut box is open. I've licked each one of the donuts"

He was my hero.

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

I should put different note in my lunch every day...usually I put in, "John, get your hands off my lunch!" He's crazy enough to run to the boss with the note to complain, proving he's been in my lunch.

But the new note should read. "Licked everything. And I have herpes!"

[roadskoller.livejournal.com]

Oooo! The hepes angle's brilliant!

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

The Beverage Dictator got really mad at him and yelled, "Now nobody ELSE can eat out of that jar!"

Uhh... that never stopped him before.

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

That's what made it extra funny... especially since he'll gleefully eat from your tupperware and leave some behind for you to enjoy, since you erm...brought it to work. For yourself. And not him...

[ravengirl.livejournal.com]

He's a sicko and needs therapy of some nature, srsly.

Fun read, tho! (You'd BETTER do that spaghetti concoction mentioned above! I can't wait for an update!)

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

Oh, he's definitely schizophrenic or something, no question. He's worked here forever, so they're never going to can him, or even discipline him much since he flips out, Nancy-Spungen style. On good days he's amusing in a sick kind of way, on bad days you wonder what horrible things you'd done to deserve working with HIM...