Nightmares...

...I got jolted by a really bad one this morning; the kind that makes you bolt awake like a swimmer thrashing out of water they thought was safe until they saw that fin in the water.

Sometimes I have really horrible dreams about the worst breakup I ever had.
The pain and guilt and rage and just heartbreaking agony. It's usually along the lines of smashing through tables and chairs begging this person to not shut me out but to goddamn TALK to me, or the other people involved laughing at my obvious pain, (something I'm afraid really did happen) or just screaming and screaming and screaming until my voice was gone.(that happened too.)
At one point I was screaming in my sleep. No sound, no vocal chords engaged, just the mouth gaping open pushing air out as hard as I could. If I could have made noise I'm sure I would have screamed the building to pieces.

When I finally dragged myself awake, I just lay there for ten minutes, panting and telling myself where I was, who I was, over and over. Then I wandered around touching things in my apartment. Reorienting myself. Wondering why I was having this particular nightmare now. (Lots of reasons, mostly anniversaries or banalities...and lots and lots of caffeine, I admit.)

It'll alllll be okay once I drink this orange juice and check my e-mail.
*breathes really deeply, over and over and over*

I should mention I had a lovely coffee date...

...with Ruby Slippers
and Sirreal13, even though we had to flee the *gulp* Spoken Word Night.

Yes, you heard me. The horror that is Spoken Word Night.
The poets. The people who try to steal your chairs when you get up for coffee.
The would-be friends who pout when you explain you're trying to save a chair for a friend you actually want to sit by. The off-key guitars. The extremely earnest singing. The extremely earnest bad poetry. No. Noooooo. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

At one point I was trying to commit seppuku with a bendy-straw.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great respect for people who can stand up in front of others and do their bit. I've even done it myself a time or two. I'm proud of people who bring something interesting and good to such a gathering...but let me be blunt. There's a lot of painful crap out there too. and when you are confronted with Spoken Word Night, you have to be polite often for all the wrong reasons. Or run...just run.....

We coped by hiding in a dark warm corner, passing around new Onions and old Twin Peaks Gazettes. Ohhhh, Agent Cooper....we still had a very good time together with our coffees and the occasional broken note splitting the air from the other room....

*moment of silence*

...for a man who devoted his life to the cause of children.

Long live Fred Rogers in the memory of the world.