Intimacy, love, pain, and healing...

[msfledermaus]

I got on the subject of breakups with Serendipity and K:) on anarchy today...(K just ended a relationship, and was pretty broken up about it.) In a time of year where we're all supposed to be (and often are, lucky us) surrounded by loved ones, it's often easy to overlook those of us who are alone. (and it could be any of us, any time, without much warning.)
Sobering stuff. I remember a Christmas where my significant other left the state to share the holidays with another woman. (the creep--he even had the nerve to blame me. I eventually left when he "couldn't decide between us"--and then he told people I broke his heart by leaving. Guilt does weird things to people, doesn't it? But I digress.) Anyway, my point was that even thoughi felt pretty justified in leaving and had plenty of reasons to hate him, I felt so devastated by the loss that I felt like someone had died. But it was worse--the someone was alive, he just didn't love me anymore. And being the break-up-instigator is also horribly painful because you have the real guilt of hurting someone, even if it's not healthy for you or them to be in that relationship. (Can you tell I broke off the relationship after the one I just wrote about?
Happily, he's doing well, and we're friends. It did take some work, though.) The only good thing I took away from that first relationship that was really important was how to be honorable about breaking someone's heart, how not to unnecessarily savage it open if you don't have to, how not to be a wimp or a coward about my feelings, how not to hide my own blame behind accusations built on guilt and shame and selfishness. In short, the opposite of what happened in that first relationship.
There's always something good to take out of a bad situation. Sometimes the price is too high, and there's no price or knowledge big enough to make up for some of the things we go though in our lives...but there's something to take out of it, to learn from it, to see and carry with you to use somewhere else. Very little comfort sometimes, but a little goes a long way. Good friends are an example. You find out about all the people around you who care what happens to you, how you feel, why you hurt and how to help you climb over the pain to something else worth feeling. Sometimes their number and vehemence can suprise you. It's
the most valuable thing I can think of. Love comes in a lot of forms. Sometimes the only way to heal the pain of amor is through the healing strength of agape...

Ms Fledermaus...Yes, I'm rambling, and I apologize for giving people so MUCH to read at once...couldn't help it today:) ((((((you)))))))))

Comments

It's ME, K:) STORY PART 1

[majikgrove.livejournal.com]

I am moved to talk (ramble on incessently with no end in sight) about what happened (let's just call it therapy, no one actually has to be put through the agony of reading all this!), because what you talk about, healing and needing time to get over someone, is just why I broke up with the dude (we'll just call him DUDE, how about that!) in the first place. HE is in that place....he's in the early stages of healing himself over a 5 year relationship. He was engaged up until last May, and had been living with his ex for most of the 5 years. he's pretty much going through a divorce. I met him two years ago at work. Had the hots for him right away! But I knew about the girlfriend, so I never even bothered to think about pursuing anything. He left work about 3 months after I met him, never saw him after that. Cut to last February, I see him walking his dog down my street! I ask a friend at work who knows him for the scoop, and find out he lives DOWN THE STREET from me...ACK!! But still with the woman...I go to Europe, I come back in September...ask the contact at work if Dude's married yet. The work contact tells me that they are not married and are completely broken up as of May. So I get all excited not thinking about what he must be going through. I say to my contact, HOOK ME UP! And my contact gets back to me in a couple days and says all he did was mention my name casually in conversation and Dude told him to give me his email address. So I agonize over what to say for two days, and finally send him a message. At this point we are not in the same state, I am still in NJ post Europe working and visiting family before I returned home to Colorado. So he writes me back right away, and we begin an email friendship. We find out we have amazing things in common. From crazy backround stuff, to silly little everyday things (like my favorite...he moved from down the street from me to ACROSS the street from me a couple months before this...yes, I took that as a sign that we were being pushed together..haha). Ok, I'm back in Colorado, we start hanging out. I find out the breakup scoop, we are really still just friends at this point. He tells me he broke up with her, he realized that something was missing it just wasnt there for him anymore. I find out that she had no idea the breakup was coming whatsoever, and was completely devastated. I find out they are "friends" and see each other about once a week (?!?!?!) Meanwhile, we are having a blast together. We like to do all the same stuff, we have good conversation, and are together a LOT. Two weeks into this new friendship it becomes physical. Everything about everything seems too good to be true. And it is, I guess. He's not ready. We talk a few times about how he's really wary about being in a relationship which is completely understandable. As a matter of fact, I can't believe he's able to open himself up as much as he has so far! He is extremely considerate, and constantly asks if I'm ok with the way things are, and wants to make sure I'm not hurting or growing angry in any way. I talk myself into believing that I am ok with everything...with us just being TOGETHER...not in a serious relationship...but just being together, as very, very good friends, and more. I tell myself that I'll just do this until I feel uncomfortable with it.