Intimacy, love, pain, and healing...

[msfledermaus]

I got on the subject of breakups with Serendipity and K:) on anarchy today...(K just ended a relationship, and was pretty broken up about it.) In a time of year where we're all supposed to be (and often are, lucky us) surrounded by loved ones, it's often easy to overlook those of us who are alone. (and it could be any of us, any time, without much warning.)
Sobering stuff. I remember a Christmas where my significant other left the state to share the holidays with another woman. (the creep--he even had the nerve to blame me. I eventually left when he "couldn't decide between us"--and then he told people I broke his heart by leaving. Guilt does weird things to people, doesn't it? But I digress.) Anyway, my point was that even thoughi felt pretty justified in leaving and had plenty of reasons to hate him, I felt so devastated by the loss that I felt like someone had died. But it was worse--the someone was alive, he just didn't love me anymore. And being the break-up-instigator is also horribly painful because you have the real guilt of hurting someone, even if it's not healthy for you or them to be in that relationship. (Can you tell I broke off the relationship after the one I just wrote about?
Happily, he's doing well, and we're friends. It did take some work, though.) The only good thing I took away from that first relationship that was really important was how to be honorable about breaking someone's heart, how not to unnecessarily savage it open if you don't have to, how not to be a wimp or a coward about my feelings, how not to hide my own blame behind accusations built on guilt and shame and selfishness. In short, the opposite of what happened in that first relationship.
There's always something good to take out of a bad situation. Sometimes the price is too high, and there's no price or knowledge big enough to make up for some of the things we go though in our lives...but there's something to take out of it, to learn from it, to see and carry with you to use somewhere else. Very little comfort sometimes, but a little goes a long way. Good friends are an example. You find out about all the people around you who care what happens to you, how you feel, why you hurt and how to help you climb over the pain to something else worth feeling. Sometimes their number and vehemence can suprise you. It's
the most valuable thing I can think of. Love comes in a lot of forms. Sometimes the only way to heal the pain of amor is through the healing strength of agape...

Ms Fledermaus...Yes, I'm rambling, and I apologize for giving people so MUCH to read at once...couldn't help it today:) ((((((you)))))))))

Comments

Please don't apologize for speaking your heart...

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

..even if it sometimes means rambling!

I just want to say that 1+1=3. That is, the relationship itself takes on a life of its own. When two people split, for whatever reason, there's still the feeling of loss over what was once overwhelmingly good about the relationship itself. Even when the breakup is your own choice and had been a long time coming, there's still that void felt in the aftermath.

I absolutely agree with you about remembering people who are lonely during the winter holiday season. And I extend that to other holidays such as Valentine's Day - that one in particular can be so hard on people who want so much to be a part of a couple but aren't.

So, you're right: make the most of loving friendships throughout the year and throughout your life! Yes, yes, yes!

1+1=3 (cynergy)

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

So 3-1=2.

That's twice the loss.

Hurts, don't it?

So much for making anyone feel better...

Re: 1+1=3 (cynergy)

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Um, I think that's spelled synergy. ;)

Re: 1+1=3 (cynergy)

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. Now why would I have spelled it like that?

Re: 1+1=3 (cynergy)

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

I know, but I'm not tellin' *Nyaaah nyaaaah pththppth!*


Ms F's got a seeeeecret....

Re: 1+1=3 (cynergy)

[cynnerth.livejournal.com]

Cynergy.....that would be me :) Hey Ms. Mausi, hello and thank you so much for your original post here. I'm in the midst of doing that painful thing and I needed that reminder of the most humane way to do it. I'm scared half to death about it. I feel like I'm in a warm safe place nestled here with loving friends like freekee and Serendipity...and can I add you too?

Such Cyncerity!!

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

I would be honored. Please add meee!!

(I heard nothing but good about you, BTW:)

Ms Mausi, with a deep curtsey and a broad smile...

Nothing Cynthetic here

[cynnerth.livejournal.com]

All good stuff? cooooool :)

Cynthesizing another gratuitous pun...:)

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

Yup.

Ms F.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, this is the place to ramble. A private diary, with feedback,

imagine.

Hey, dad!

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

You haven't been rambling much lately. How are you?

Re: Hey, dad!

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Seren!
Been running on two cylinders lately. I think today, I'm actually starting to get sick.

Now where did I put that halls ...?

Re: Hey, dad!

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Hope you're feeling better. Have you ever tried Echinacea? Great stuff to take when you first feel a cold coming on.

It's ME, K:) STORY PART 1

[majikgrove.livejournal.com]

I am moved to talk (ramble on incessently with no end in sight) about what happened (let's just call it therapy, no one actually has to be put through the agony of reading all this!), because what you talk about, healing and needing time to get over someone, is just why I broke up with the dude (we'll just call him DUDE, how about that!) in the first place. HE is in that place....he's in the early stages of healing himself over a 5 year relationship. He was engaged up until last May, and had been living with his ex for most of the 5 years. he's pretty much going through a divorce. I met him two years ago at work. Had the hots for him right away! But I knew about the girlfriend, so I never even bothered to think about pursuing anything. He left work about 3 months after I met him, never saw him after that. Cut to last February, I see him walking his dog down my street! I ask a friend at work who knows him for the scoop, and find out he lives DOWN THE STREET from me...ACK!! But still with the woman...I go to Europe, I come back in September...ask the contact at work if Dude's married yet. The work contact tells me that they are not married and are completely broken up as of May. So I get all excited not thinking about what he must be going through. I say to my contact, HOOK ME UP! And my contact gets back to me in a couple days and says all he did was mention my name casually in conversation and Dude told him to give me his email address. So I agonize over what to say for two days, and finally send him a message. At this point we are not in the same state, I am still in NJ post Europe working and visiting family before I returned home to Colorado. So he writes me back right away, and we begin an email friendship. We find out we have amazing things in common. From crazy backround stuff, to silly little everyday things (like my favorite...he moved from down the street from me to ACROSS the street from me a couple months before this...yes, I took that as a sign that we were being pushed together..haha). Ok, I'm back in Colorado, we start hanging out. I find out the breakup scoop, we are really still just friends at this point. He tells me he broke up with her, he realized that something was missing it just wasnt there for him anymore. I find out that she had no idea the breakup was coming whatsoever, and was completely devastated. I find out they are "friends" and see each other about once a week (?!?!?!) Meanwhile, we are having a blast together. We like to do all the same stuff, we have good conversation, and are together a LOT. Two weeks into this new friendship it becomes physical. Everything about everything seems too good to be true. And it is, I guess. He's not ready. We talk a few times about how he's really wary about being in a relationship which is completely understandable. As a matter of fact, I can't believe he's able to open himself up as much as he has so far! He is extremely considerate, and constantly asks if I'm ok with the way things are, and wants to make sure I'm not hurting or growing angry in any way. I talk myself into believing that I am ok with everything...with us just being TOGETHER...not in a serious relationship...but just being together, as very, very good friends, and more. I tell myself that I'll just do this until I feel uncomfortable with it.

STORY PART 2

[majikgrove.livejournal.com]

So now it's only two months later, and I start getting nuts over the fact that he still SEES the ex...the pictures of her are not down in the house- still hanging on the fridge, sitting above the fireplace, etc.I dont tell him any of this, instead I start to get BITCHY! I don't like that I'm not really IN his world. I know some of his friends, but I doubt that anyone would think to consider me his girlfriend. That's when I decide it has to be over to at least save the friendship that I value SO MUCH, and that I know he does too. So I end it, and what made me the saddest before I did it was that I knew he wouldn't stop me. He couldn't possibly, because he can't in any capacity be ready to give me what I need. I have seen him once in the week since it's happened, he brought me a Christmas present last Thursday before I went away for the weekend. He left my house and I cried. I've been crying so much. Im' so tired.....I dont know if it's mostly because it's over, or because I can't get out of my head that I am still wishing one day this will work out. And I think maybe I may have ended it in hopes that it was still early enough to leave the door open for it to work out in the future. Is that even possible? I don't want to wait around by any means, I have a life, but the nagging feeling that it would all be worth a wait won't go away. I saw myself with this person, really SAW myself with him. And this baggage he has, I don't know what to think of it! Will it ever go away? Would he even think of me if and when he's ready? Would I even care by then? I guess these are the questions that time will have to answer for me, I don't know. I am in an utter state of confusion. I don't know if I should bring it up with him again. We haven't talked about what has happened since. When he's at work and I'm at work, we chat online. And it's just like it always was, just good friend conversation, but I SO want to tell him more about what's going on, and I want to ask him things about how he feels, but I don't want to push. I just don't know what to do!!!!
God, did I just write all that?????(I even had to break it up because it was too big for one post!!!) I'm so sorry to take up so much room! BUT I DO feel a LITTLE bit better....maybe relieved...so thank you! :)

So'kay...

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

these things are very improtant...no wonder you're upset, I would be too. And you did a very brave thing, ending it the way you did. Please feel free to rant and rave on my livejournal as much as you like:) I'm just glad I could help a little bit.
I think about the only recommendation I can give for the confusion part is maybe some time mentally away from the guy. Not a shunning or anything, just a little break, like a week or two to get your head together, know what you're thinking and why. Then after the break, try to get some time to talk about how you feel with this person, if it seems like a good idea.
At any rate, (((((((K:)))))))))) Breakups hurt worse than anything,, and you're being very clear-headed about how you feel. Just remember, I'm pulling for you, and I think a lot of people are.

With great affection, Ms Fledermaus.

Re: So'kay...

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what she said.

Really, Ms F said it so well, there's little for me to add. I'm glad it helped even a little to write it out - that can be great therapy in itself.

Hugs through your tears and frustration,
Seren

Blink goes da kitty...

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

Well, shucks, I'm not quite THAT wise, Ma'am...:) But I'll take any compliment, especially from one whose opinion I hold in such high esteem.

And "nanner sandwiches are on me, people...

Ms Fledermaus--No!!! Not literallyaAAAAAARRRGH peanut butter in my haiiiiir!

Re: Blink goes da kitty...

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Ooh, kinky...

Well...

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

(((((BLUSH)))))))))






and get that whipped cream away from me, do you hear?

Re: Well...

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

Whipped cream doesn't belong anywhere near pb&b's anyway. But strawberry jam...... serendipity shoots an evil glance Ms F's way....

EEek! EEEK!

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

How do I get into these things, anyway?!? *backs up nervously*

Well, if we're going to be like that---where's the Lime Jello-shooters? *Brandishes small plastic shot glasses full of a viscous green substance* Right!!! Birng on the jam, I'll Jello you all until you're green and slimy, and a little tipsy!!!!Nyaaaah~~~~tpth!

Ms Fledermaus, who could start a reaaaly awesome snow fight right now--we got LOTS of snow right now, hardening nicely into snowball-worthy stuff...