Intimacy, love, pain, and healing...
Dec. 26th, 2000 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
msfledermausI got on the subject of breakups with Serendipity and K:) on anarchy today...(K just ended a relationship, and was pretty broken up about it.) In a time of year where we're all supposed to be (and often are, lucky us) surrounded by loved ones, it's often easy to overlook those of us who are alone. (and it could be any of us, any time, without much warning.)
Sobering stuff. I remember a Christmas where my significant other left the state to share the holidays with another woman. (the creep--he even had the nerve to blame me. I eventually left when he "couldn't decide between us"--and then he told people I broke his heart by leaving. Guilt does weird things to people, doesn't it? But I digress.) Anyway, my point was that even thoughi felt pretty justified in leaving and had plenty of reasons to hate him, I felt so devastated by the loss that I felt like someone had died. But it was worse--the someone was alive, he just didn't love me anymore. And being the break-up-instigator is also horribly painful because you have the real guilt of hurting someone, even if it's not healthy for you or them to be in that relationship. (Can you tell I broke off the relationship after the one I just wrote about?
Happily, he's doing well, and we're friends. It did take some work, though.) The only good thing I took away from that first relationship that was really important was how to be honorable about breaking someone's heart, how not to unnecessarily savage it open if you don't have to, how not to be a wimp or a coward about my feelings, how not to hide my own blame behind accusations built on guilt and shame and selfishness. In short, the opposite of what happened in that first relationship.
There's always something good to take out of a bad situation. Sometimes the price is too high, and there's no price or knowledge big enough to make up for some of the things we go though in our lives...but there's something to take out of it, to learn from it, to see and carry with you to use somewhere else. Very little comfort sometimes, but a little goes a long way. Good friends are an example. You find out about all the people around you who care what happens to you, how you feel, why you hurt and how to help you climb over the pain to something else worth feeling. Sometimes their number and vehemence can suprise you. It's
the most valuable thing I can think of. Love comes in a lot of forms. Sometimes the only way to heal the pain of amor is through the healing strength of agape...
Ms Fledermaus...Yes, I'm rambling, and I apologize for giving people so MUCH to read at once...couldn't help it today:) ((((((you)))))))))
Sobering stuff. I remember a Christmas where my significant other left the state to share the holidays with another woman. (the creep--he even had the nerve to blame me. I eventually left when he "couldn't decide between us"--and then he told people I broke his heart by leaving. Guilt does weird things to people, doesn't it? But I digress.) Anyway, my point was that even thoughi felt pretty justified in leaving and had plenty of reasons to hate him, I felt so devastated by the loss that I felt like someone had died. But it was worse--the someone was alive, he just didn't love me anymore. And being the break-up-instigator is also horribly painful because you have the real guilt of hurting someone, even if it's not healthy for you or them to be in that relationship. (Can you tell I broke off the relationship after the one I just wrote about?
Happily, he's doing well, and we're friends. It did take some work, though.) The only good thing I took away from that first relationship that was really important was how to be honorable about breaking someone's heart, how not to unnecessarily savage it open if you don't have to, how not to be a wimp or a coward about my feelings, how not to hide my own blame behind accusations built on guilt and shame and selfishness. In short, the opposite of what happened in that first relationship.
There's always something good to take out of a bad situation. Sometimes the price is too high, and there's no price or knowledge big enough to make up for some of the things we go though in our lives...but there's something to take out of it, to learn from it, to see and carry with you to use somewhere else. Very little comfort sometimes, but a little goes a long way. Good friends are an example. You find out about all the people around you who care what happens to you, how you feel, why you hurt and how to help you climb over the pain to something else worth feeling. Sometimes their number and vehemence can suprise you. It's
the most valuable thing I can think of. Love comes in a lot of forms. Sometimes the only way to heal the pain of amor is through the healing strength of agape...
Ms Fledermaus...Yes, I'm rambling, and I apologize for giving people so MUCH to read at once...couldn't help it today:) ((((((you)))))))))
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So'kay...
Date: 2000-12-27 11:50 am (UTC)I think about the only recommendation I can give for the confusion part is maybe some time mentally away from the guy. Not a shunning or anything, just a little break, like a week or two to get your head together, know what you're thinking and why. Then after the break, try to get some time to talk about how you feel with this person, if it seems like a good idea.
At any rate, (((((((K:)))))))))) Breakups hurt worse than anything,, and you're being very clear-headed about how you feel. Just remember, I'm pulling for you, and I think a lot of people are.
With great affection, Ms Fledermaus.
Re: So'kay...
Date: 2000-12-27 04:21 pm (UTC)Really, Ms F said it so well, there's little for me to add. I'm glad it helped even a little to write it out - that can be great therapy in itself.
Hugs through your tears and frustration,
Seren
Blink goes da kitty...
Date: 2000-12-28 07:33 am (UTC)And "nanner sandwiches are on me, people...
Ms Fledermaus--No!!! Not literallyaAAAAAARRRGH peanut butter in my haiiiiir!
Re: Blink goes da kitty...
Date: 2000-12-28 09:00 am (UTC)Well...
Date: 2000-12-28 09:19 am (UTC)and get that whipped cream away from me, do you hear?
Re: Well...
Date: 2000-12-28 09:41 pm (UTC)EEek! EEEK!
Date: 2000-12-29 07:11 am (UTC)Well, if we're going to be like that---where's the Lime Jello-shooters? *Brandishes small plastic shot glasses full of a viscous green substance* Right!!! Birng on the jam, I'll Jello you all until you're green and slimy, and a little tipsy!!!!Nyaaaah~~~~tpth!
Ms Fledermaus, who could start a reaaaly awesome snow fight right now--we got LOTS of snow right now, hardening nicely into snowball-worthy stuff...